I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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