The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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