he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
