Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
