You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
