you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
