at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
