i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
