Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
