I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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