Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
