i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
