last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
