Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
