i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Your penis caused this!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
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