i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
