I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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