I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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