i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
