go do what you do best...puke behind churches
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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