I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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