I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
