he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
time to smoke my breakfast
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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