There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
