we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
