I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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