and she was petting her beer can
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
