the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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