Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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