I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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