mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
