i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
