I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
