She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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