it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
