he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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