That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
