when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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