I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
