I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
