Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
