i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
