I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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