I accidentally had phone sex last night
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
