I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
