I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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