I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
