My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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