i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
