it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
